Archive for July, 2009

• The Stage we’re in: Redundant and Rhetorical questions

  Date: 2009.07.29 | Category: Twins | Response: 0

  1. I’m a twin if I match my sister in clothing. If I can’t match, and I want to match, then we both have to change clothes. Several times a day. Otherwise, I will have to throw a tantrum.
  2. I’m a twin if I am doing the same thing as my sister. Watch us sing the same song.
  3. I ask rhetorical questions which are not rhetorical. Example: A: What is a parking lot? me: You’re standing in one! A: No, Mom, what *is* a parking lot?
  Example: Mom what is a car seat? You’re sitting in one. its a seat for a car. No mom what is a car seat? (oh yeah, you can’t use the same words to define a word) It’s a chair for the car.
  Mom what is a boat? I mean, How do you make a boat?

  Rachel hurt herself last night. Alexis comes over and starts shushing her. Then proceeds to sing “Wheels on the bus’ to comfort her.

• New Celebrity Diet! Heather Soukup’s Diet Actually Sheds Pounds

  Date: 2009.07.15 | Category: personal | Response: 1

  Keep reading for a weight loss plan that actually works

  Are you tired of feeling bloated? Tired? Do you like the way you look?   Then try at your own risk the following diet — tested and proven successful by celebrity Heather Soukup.

  1.  Make a list of all the things you ought to be doing. Don’t list the normal daily routines of showering, eating, drinking, personal hygiene, etc., unless you are depressed and need to be reminded to do these basic things.

  2. Get busy doing those things.  Stay very busy. In addition to the regular work that you do,  Spend hours on facebook, typing up blogs, taking digital photos of the children and your best friends.  But don’t keep a glass of anything to drink nearby. Don’t rest when the kids rest.  Just keep going.  Be the Energizer Bunny.

  3. Get really tired at night. But stay up a little later than you should.  EVERY NIGHT.

  4. Eat a big dinner and then snack after the kids go to bed.

  5. With these steps in place, you may see an initial weight gain.  Just be patient, and stay on the path. Heather’s Celebrity Diet will work.

  6. Eventually you will get sick.  If your sickness is respiratory in nature, then self medicate and continue with steps 1-5 until flu like symptoms appear.  Once the flu-like symptoms are full blown,  you may  ignore the sickness as much as you can for 5 days, but no more.  Hopefully by this point you will be dangerously ill, almost dehydrated.  Your body should be shedding the pounds for you — as you desperately try to regain control of your whacked out body.  You may begin to drink some water or some decaff tea because nothing else will stay down.  This is the painful part of the diet.  But remember, Beauty knows no pain. You may eat one-half  saltine cracker at the beginning of every hour.  If your body isn’t purging automatically, you can take a whiff of your pantry where all sorts of smells are conglomerated and that may send you over the edge.  (beware of the onset of bulimia.)

  7. On day 5 of your illness, drag yourself to the doctor.  Act innocent.  describe your symptoms of fever, chills, vomiting, etc.   The doctor will treat you for a UTI.  You will begin to feel better.  You will continue to improve your health by drinking mass quantities of cranberry juice and water.  No more tea. No more sugar.

  8.  Your new menu will be banana, rice, applesauce, toast.   If you return to the world of normal food (hamburgers, pizza, spinach dip, chips) then you will most likely end up repeating steps 6-7.  By now you should see your clothes fitting differently — looser.

  9.  Because you’ve not been able to eat for a while, your stomach has shrunk, supposedly.  You must allow it to continue to do so.  When you eat the banana — Give half to two-thirds of it to your children or friends.  You will find that you are satisfied with less.  Don’t keep eating just because you like the taste of the food.  That’s part of what got you fat in the first place.  Just eat barely enough to stay alive and avoid headaches.

  10 Finally , drink your water.

  Post written March 17, 2009 after nearly dying from using above method of dieting. Use this and any other diet only under the supervision of a physician. Heather is not responsible for your diet results, as results are not guaranteed and may vary from person to person.

• 4th of July: a reflection

  Date: 2009.07.05 | Category: Gerneral, Holidays, House, personal | Response: 1

  We awoke to a “northern” Fourth.

  I grew up in Memphis, TN. There are 3.5 seasons in Memphis: Spring, Summer, Autumn, and “Winter”. Winter, without snow and without plummeting temperatures, is the half season. The extremities of summer make up for it. Summer begins in May and ends in October.

  I have lived “up North” since 1998. There are only 2 seasons up north: Winter, and road construction. In some northern areas, Spring doesn’t gloriously bloom its heart out, but merely lets you know things are changing because of the ubiquitous mess and mud. Summers are cool; ACs can be superfluous; temperatures “soar into the 80s.” Autumn, if the rain comes at the right time, explodes with its final burst of red and gold before the Great White Blanket settles over earth and sky for the next 6 months. Mandatory survival items are long underwear, heater, fireplace, kerosene lantern, a bucket of thawed water, beef jerky, and a full length down coat with flip-top mittens.

  While Winters up north can seem unsurvivable, Summers down south can feel oppressive, except for a few accoutrements which provide temporary release. I remember enjoying standing in front of Grandma’s window AC after playing outside. She’d offer a drink of cold “warter” which somehow tasted colder than it seemed possible. I’d enjoy long gulps of cold water, cooling me from the inside out. Then I’d dart out again, with admonitions not to slam the door, and play on the leaning tree.

  I also remember the ceremony of making homemade ice cream. The “freezer burn” headache that ensued was painful yet the fun family times of listening for the motor “to stop” is something that I just can’t explain. Waiting for the ice cream to cure seemed like an eternity.

  My first remembrance of a Northern Fourth still fills me with disequilibrium. We were camping, which brings me out of my comfort zone enough, and it was cold. We sat around a fire, drinking hot chocolate. We wrapped ourselves in Mexican blankets. We did not prepare home made ice cream, and we did not eat ice cold watermelon, and we did not yearn for an AC. I still get that discombobulated feeling when I recall that first Northern Fourth. To me, it was No Fourth At All. I felt like we should be decorating a Christmas tree.

  Our evening celebration of the Fourth this year included the usual “northern” attire, Jeans and a sweatshirt, and introduced a “new” tradition: S’mores. We walked down to the Gauthiers, whose backyard is situated so that we could watch the neighborhood’s fireworks. We could see the ones at both ends of the power lines, the ones behind their property and the ones across the street. We enjoyed a great campfire, and of course, lots of roasted marshmallows and s’mores.

  I still think that the Fourth should be celebrated in shorts and a tank top with the AC blasting and the ice cream maker grinding away. I miss fireworks over the river. One day, I hope that we return to the sultry South. I’m sure that I’ll then long for the ways of the North. Perhaps I’ll don my sweatshirt and stand in front of the blasting AC with a bowl of ice cream in one hand and a cup of hot cocoa in the other.