Archive for August, 2008

• Acronyms

  Date: 2008.08.18 | Category: House | Response: 0

  What AT&T really stands for

  Asinine Technology Twits

• Barbie’s Buttocks

  Date: 2008.08.14 | Category: hobbies, personal | Response: 0

  Some people envy Barbie. Others abhor her.  People rant about how Barbie gives young girls a distorted image of what they should look like when they grow up.  Until today, I remained neutral on the subject of Barbie.  But this afternoon’s attempt at dressing Barbie did not go well.  It was the fault of her disproportionate body — specifically her long legs and her buttocks.

  I have been playing in the kitchen since I was old enough to stand in a kitchen chair opposite the countertop from my mother. After over 30 years of playing in the kitchen, I still need to develop cake-baking skills.  I am not yet good at making Barbie Cakes.   Granted, I used the wrong size bowl, so Barbie was taller than the cake skirt.  I had extra cupcakes which I was planning on using to make up the additional height. I had calculated the extra cupcakes and frosting would make a “cute tiered” skirt that would make Cinderlla and Belle envious.  But I didn’t account for the circumference of Barbie’s hips which nearly equalled the circumference of the bottom of the cupcake.  I didn’t make the frosting; my friend made it, and it was a very delicious and soft buttercream frosting made with margarine.  She had the windows open in her house.  The frosting was getting softer with every layer I applied. We were using toothpicks to hold the additional pieces of cupcakes with frosting and they began to visibly slide down the side of the cake leaving Barbie with no butt.  When Barbie’s buttocks began to slide off, we “threw in the towel”.   We tried to remove the pieces of cupcake from her hipds to see if there were anyway to salvage what we had done.  After working on this for 90 minutes, making a second batch of frosting, and heaving many-a-sigh, I admitted that we should possibly consider purchasing a cake from Jewel.  Graciously, Andrea agreed.  I was so disappointed.  My sad eyes probably look like the eyes of a penguin from “The Littlest Pet Shop:” droopy with small tears in the lower corners.  I was hoping that this Barbie Cake would be amazing and beautiful and be the lovely creative contribution to Mackenzie’s party that no one else could bring.  

  Copland’s “Fanfare for the Common Man” now plays on my computer while I type this story,  the story of a common woman attempting uncommon things. 

• More language funnies

  Date: 2008.08.13 | Category: Twins | Response: 0

  R: let’s play baby

  me: (I hate that game) Ok, but this time I am the baby.

  A: I scratch your back.

  me: Ok

  R: oh. oh oh (panicking).  I wanna scratch too!

  A: well, when you get to be my age, you can scratch too.

  Sadly, Rachel bought that line.

• i’m not dead

  Date: 2008.08.06 | Category: House | Response: 0

  Well, if you read the obituaries, you know that I am not dead.  But if you rely on the frequency of posts, emails, and facebook updates, then you may have thought I kicked the bucket or tossed the computer into the dumpster when we moved.  But no, this time it’s not my fault that I’ve lost connection with the outside world.  This time we can blame the monopoly known as AT&T.

  Before we moved, I made a few attempts to “move” our DSL from our apt in Arlington Hts to our house in Crystal Lake.  I tried online.  ATT’s website was useless for this.  So, some 2 wks after closing on the house, I started calling ATT to connect our DSL.  I was told that ATT didnt provide service in our area.  What a lie!  I looked out into the backyard and noticed that the JULIE people had flagged the utilities for us, and what do you know, there are ATT flags in our backyard.  Ok, so I call back, and finally get someone with some sense.  Well we do provide service in your area, but you are too far from the service center..  You are more than 15000 ft. 

  I wait a week. I call back. Oh I see we do provide service in your area but you are more than 7000 ft from the satellitte and both the center and the satellite are full.  I said, add another network card.  They said, we will put you on the waiting list.  OK, whatever!

  I wait a week, I call back, I finally get through to someone.  I get a tech in my yard. Ok, we are still installing this card in our central office.  I said Ok, look at this wire. He fixed the spliced wire.  Still no solid green light.  I called again.  They said, I see you have quite a few work tickets here.  I said, yes, I’ve been working on this since june 16.  They sent another tech out. and he claims we need to rewire everything in the house.  Finally Rob gets his volt meter thing and tests the line and wow look it’s working, and he switches out a cord and we have a solid green light. 

  Yesterday, I called again, and they graciously walked me through the registration  and installation of the internet dsl stuff.  part of me felt stupid, and I’m not sure why I felt that way, when ATT is just as inefficient and stupid as I am stupid.