Archive for the ‘MFM’ Category
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To tell or Not to tell?
A friend of mine was asking me how to tell someone who is struggling through infertility that she is pregnant. Again. With baby #5. I’m not sure if there is a “good way” to tell. If you’ve ever craved having a child, hearing of someone else’s accidental success can be revolting. It can make you want to run away, to cry, to curse. The news can make you fearful. The flip side is this: It’s not like she was trying to get pregnant. And certainly she didn’t do it out of spite toward her friend who is undergoing fertility treatment.
Our vantage point in this situation needs to get back in focus with God. God is the author of life. God is the one who blesses us with children. God is the one who gives and takes away. God rules from heaven enthroned on high and in the fullness of time God brings forth children according to His purpose.
My first advice to my friend was to hold off telling for as long as possible, to protect everyone’s emotions. But then today I thought, “That’s not cool, that’s deceptive. Why would good friends not tell each other the most wonderful joyful surprising news in the world?” The friendship should be able to withstand this test. So I’ve some up with some serious and some comical possible responses. Hopefully the joy in the pain will be like sun in rain.
Dear Friend,
I have some wonderfully awful news to share with you. I want to share it because we are friends, and I value ______ in you. (insert affirmation of her character – kindness, support, generosity, humor, joy, gentleness). When I tell you my news, I hope you’ll stay true to your ____ self, although, you’ll probably want to puke. I know I do. Because… I’m pregnant.
*****
Hey, friend, guess what? I think maybe God answered your prayer, but He got the wrong address. I’m pregnant. Will you still be my friend?
*****
Hey friend you want to go to lunch? (I hope I won’t have to cancel. I think I’ve got morning sickness again. )
****
Scripture says “A man’s gift makes room for him.” (Proverbs 18:16) Instead of announcing the pregnancy and having the convo revolve around yourself, you could give your friend a “gift of faith and hope” that someday God will bless her with children. My favorites are from the Willow Tree collection at Hallmark stores. http://willowtree.info/products/figurines
I know before the girls were born, I sat sulking in the corner for a while because “she” was preggo again, and I wasn’t. I battled anger, jealousy, isolation. I hid behind the piano and gritted my teeth while playing for worship during sanctity of life Sunday. I somehow mechanically “led” worship from the piano after finding out about my first failed pregnancy, while my joyful productive friend played the guitar.
Every child is a gift from God. Some people breathe the same air as their man, and pop– she’s preggo. Others of us seem to never conceive. It gets difficult when you want a child and it seems that God is withholding that blessing. When it seems that the natural route is failing, we want to intervene. My hope and prayer for each woman reading this post would be that you would echo Psalm 16. The Lord works everything to will and to act according to the purpose of his good pleasure for those who are called to follow Him. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
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Traditions
It’s Friday. It’s July. And I haven’t posted a Marriage & Family Monday post on a Monday in I don’t know when. In my Draft folder, I have 5 drafts. Five! I don’t know when I’m going to get around to completing them and posting. So I’m taking the rest of this post to talk about traditions.
One of our family mantras is “have an adventure, make a memory.” Part of what makes life so memorable is visiting the same places over and over, doing the same things, eating the same foods, and creating happy times in that place.
This past weekend was the Fourth of July weekend. “My gentle readers,” please take a minute to comment on this post and share with all of us what traditions you have for the Fourth of July. Do it for people who are looking to build a family legacy of happy memories. My first post on the Fourth summarizes a conglomeration of traditions and experiences from the last 13 years of marriage. Building your own traditions for your family when you and your spouse come from different areas of the country can take time.
This year, we took a last minute trip to Memphis for the Fourth of July. Hallelujah! It was “the way it was supposed to be.” Hot. Sweating in 95 degree sun at Mud Island. Frozen drinks that thaw in minutes (instead of hours). Weird running bugs and enormous swallowtail butterflies. Grilling with a new Rub (The internal temp of the grill before it was turned on was 125+). Corn. Running through the sprinkler and chasing each other with the hose. Homemade Chocolate Ice Cream (better than ever). Germantown Fireworks (Running commentary by Rachel). 101.3 degrees. Crunchy Grass. Sparklers. Now that’s a real Fourth. No campfires. No blankets for warmth.
When my girls look back on the Fourth of July, I want them to remember sparklers, home made ice cream, and fireworks with the family. I want them to think about our nation’s history — why July 4 is different from June 4. I want them to have traditions and rituals that can be expected during birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Fourth of July, and Back to School. Building the same foods and activities into a special day makes a tradition, builds a memory, and creates exciting anticipation for next year.
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Great Husbands, Great Ideas
Great Husbands. Great Ideas.
No, I’m not being sarcastic. At least not now.
Several months ago, we started planning the 5th birthday party for the twins. Rob had the idea of doing a “Garden” Themed birthday party. I had heard of another neighbor doing this party, and thought it would be an ok idea. But as Rob elaborated on his plans, I began to stiffen, balk, and inwardly rebel. I did not want to follow his plan. I was thinking, “oh, great…”
You see, I was afraid. I was afraid of how it would turn out, of what the children would think, of how we’d manage the grandiose idea, and of what the neighbors would think. However, I’ve walked with the Lord long enough to know that when a wife submits to her husband both are blessed.
My idea of a party was to provide continuous entertainment with all the guests bringing toys or other presents. Rob’s idea seemed completely revolutionary. We talked through both our ideas, and came up with a plan.
The day of the party, 12 children poured into our backyard. The decorations were a few balloons and a banner leftover from another party. We started off with face painting.
Each child decorated a pot and planted their own snapdragon flower to take home and “baby.” We had bought most of the pots on clearance at the end of last season and saved some containers from others. The leftover plants were planted in our front flower bed after the party.
The girls and I made a poster board sized flower for “pin the butterfly on the flower” game.
The girls and I transformed a yellow bundt cake into a caterpillar. It was very simple and fun to do.
I served bug shaped macaroni and cheese and pink lemonade. At the end everyone took a turn squishing their feet in the mud. We’d planned on planting the seeds, but it had rained. Squishing in mud was much more fun.
We had other games planned but we ran out of time. Once again Rob and I collaborated and I listened and every child was totally thrilled. It was probably the best party we’ve ever done.
We plan on sharing the produce of the garden with those who came to our party come harvest time! Thanks, Nina, for being the party photographer!
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Having Children
Deciding to have a child or children is a sacred decision. (at first, I had a typo which said “scared” decision. And the decision should somewhat scare you.) Our society provides many options on the continuum of having children. I’ll briefly discuss a few of the ways we try to control the process of having children.
Natural method: without going into alot of details, the natural method would be what the Israelites used. The man and woman come together only at certain points in the woman’s cycle thereby naturally increasing or decreasing fertility. This method works if you want to have several children and if you are predictable in your cycle.
Medication: Modern medicine has provided pills for everything from headaches to… well you know… Women can choose to take birth control pills, morning-after pills, and even fertility enhancing drugs. Once pregnant, a woman now may take medication that can start or stop labor, control nausea, etc.
Surgery: IVF, D&C, and tubal ligation are just a few of the ways we try to control reproduction.
Some of these reproductive technologies are great. Some of them are not. Some of them are in line with the Bible, and clearly some of them fly in the face of everything that is right. I don’t have time to regurgitate what others have written and researched. If you’re looking for a thought-provoking discussion on bioethics and other women’s health issues, I’ll refer you to Sarah Flashing. I wish I could take the time today to compose a compelling piece on this very complicated topic. I’m sure I’ll return to this topic eventually.
In the mean time, Here are some self-evaluation questions:
1. Do you see children as a blessing from the Lord? or are they inconvenient?
2. Do you trust God with the timing of having children? Or do you want to schedule your family growth?
3.What are your biggest fears concerning children?
Questions not to ask:
1. Am I ready for children? I’ll answer that one: NO you are not. Parenting is a sacred adventure for which we are never completely ready. We may believe we have arrived on a higher plane of spirituality and thus are ready for children, but find out once they are born there is an entire “closet of skeletons” to deal with– your own sinful depravity runs deeper than you know. We are sinful people giving birth to sinners and God uses the process of parenting to refine our character like a silversmith refines precious metal. Read Sacred Parenting for more on this line of thought.
2. What if I have twins? I’ll answer that one: You’ll be extremely busy. If you’re already busy, then you’ll re-align your priorities and learn to delegate. While the incidence of twins is on the rise, several factors contribute to having twins. Maternal age (extremes on both ends). Number of pregnancies (completed or not). Family history. Medical intervention. All of these play into the gamble of having or not having twins. But the real reason people have twins is that God is the author of life, and sometimes he gives a double blessing. God wants us to fully rely on him no matter how many children we have at one time. Don’t avoid having a baby just because you’re afraid of having twins. Go back to the questions above, and think about your fears. Then commit the whole matter to God through prayer.
3. Can I afford children? Don’t ask this. You can’t afford it. You’ll have to make sacrifices. Whether it’s staying home, not going to the theater, cancelling cable, refusing to get a manicure/pedicure at the spa, choosing to eat at home, going to the library instead of buying or renting, emailing long lost friends for a free vacation at their house, growing your own food, or biking instead of driving, you will have to make sacrifices–Lots of them–Daily,Weekly, for the rest of your life. God will challenge us to sacrifice everything near and dear to us in order to deepen our relationship with Him.
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The Blessing: Hit or Miss
I’ve been reading The Blessing . See theblessing.com for more information on the book. The first 15 chapters of the book focus on defining the blessing and how to impact those around us with the blessing.
But giving a blessing can be hit or miss. Our next chapter will talk about how people miss the blessing from their parents. In the movie Barbie presents Thumbelina, Makena is the classic example of a girl who is seeking the approval and blessing of everyone around her and mostly missing it. Makena’s parents are so busy working their careers that they have little time for their daughter, although they tout, “Anything for you dear, just ask.” The scenario proves that showering a child with gifts and satisfying every whim won’t make up for blessing the child with a unique message for a special future. Because her parents aren’t meeting those deep needs, Makena seeks approval from her peers using any means of manipulation to win. The fierce battleground of junior high girl popularity brings out the worst in her spoiled peers and is the crucible that reveals Makena’s true character.
In our discussion, we’ve been talking about how to bless our children. But it’s not just our children who need affirmation. God puts people in our path all the time who need a blessing from Him through us. At the beginning of the movie, a series of unfortunate events result in Thumbelina and her friends getting transported to Makena’s apartment. This relocation forces Thumbelina to make friends with someone she would never have spoken with otherwise.
Thumbelina challenges Makena’s notion of friendship and blesses her by saying, “I’m glad we are friends.” Thumbelina can see that Makena is at a crossroads and needs a higher purpose for her life than one-upping her peers. Thumbelina’s simple blessing affirming their friendship transforms Makena from a self-seeking spoiled brat to a young woman who has a purpose that reaches beyond her four walls.
Psalm 67 reads,
” 1 May God be gracious to us and bless us
and make his face shine upon us,
Selah2 that your ways may be known on earth,
your salvation among all nations.3 May the peoples praise you, O God;
may all the peoples praise you.4 May the nations be glad and sing for joy,
for you rule the peoples justly
and guide the nations of the earth.
Selah5 May the peoples praise you, O God;
may all the peoples praise you.6 Then the land will yield its harvest,
and God, our God, will bless us.7 God will bless us,
and all the ends of the earth will fear him.”When we bless that person that God has put into our life, they in turn can bless others. Ultimately, we seek the blessing so that God may be glorified, not just so that we feel good. Who has God put into my life for the purpose of blessing so that s/he can glorify God? Let me not miss the opportunity to bless others. May God give me the words that hit deep in the spirit so that He can begin the transforming work of sanctification.
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The Blessing: MFM
I know today is Saturday, but I’m inspired to write Monday’s post early.
Most of the ladies in my small group in MOPS have been reading The Blessing. This book provides an interesting perspective on the blessing that Isaac pronounces over his twins. (Genesis 27) The book breaks down the speech to reveal five basic elements of the blessing and the conversations that have come out of this book study has been very insightful and wonderful. For more information, click here.
I think I have a unique perspective to bring to the group because I, like Isaac, have twins. When Rob and I brought the girls home from the hospital, we had no clue. We knew a lot about the Bible and about parenting, but we really had no clue. It is difficult sometimes to see past the immediate and into the future. Babies are floppy when they are first born and it’s hard to hold and snuggle two of them at once, and feed them both simultaneously with a syringe. So, Rob took one and I took one. We sort of “assigned” a baby to each parent. And to this day, the child assigned to me in the beginning is more easily comforted by me than by Rob.
So when you look at the family dynamics and start to analyze Isaac & Rebecca’s parenting style, think about how in the world they would’ve dealt with two babies in a tent, trying to keep all those goats from nibbling their fingers. It’s no wonder to me that Isaac’s favorite was Esau and Rebecca’s favorite was Jacob. What could’ve started off as a matter of survival and sanity probably ended up with one parent having a stronger relationship with one child over the other.
And for the matter of Jacob stealing the blessing…. Yes, it was deceptive. and Yes, Rebecca acted unsubmissively. Yet I can understand that there is no “older” and no “younger” when you talk about twins. Mine were born on the same day, five minutes apart. Five minutes. That’s about how long you sit at a stop light, or spend putting on your make up. Five Minutes. My twins are the same age, and I don’t think of one being “older” even though one came out first. So I can understand why Rebecca would want “her baby” to get “the” blessing. She probably saw Esau and Jacob as equals, with God’s prophecy looming in the back of her mind. I’m sure she questioned why they couldn’t just have simultaneous equal blessings — after all, probably every single other thing the boys had ever experienced had been done together.
Part of The Blessing is “picturing a special future.” This is difficult to do, especially at the age the girls are now. One day they are obsessed with germs, medicine, and body systems, and diagnose their stuffed animals. “You are going to be a wonderful nurse or vet when you grow up.” Next day, they show mothering instincts. Next day, they crank out several pictures — and the detail and use of color is that of a high-schooler. “One day I’m going to the Chicago Art Museum and I’m going to see your work hanging in the gallery.” Next day, they are wonderful helpers with housework and cooking, diligently honing their wife skills.
How do I picture a special future for them when they seem to have “the Midas Touch”? And how do I give them a special future, when everything they do is together? How do I let them diversify into a unique person without slighting one over the other? How do I direct them, develop them, disciple them, and educate them both? How do I affirm one, without ignoring the other?
I hear Esau’s cry: “Father, is there no blessing left for me? What about me? Am I blessed too?” I don’t want to bless the second born lavishly with a well thought out speech, only to be coerced into blessing the first born with some off-the-cuff positive affirmation. Did Isaac feel this way when Esau brought in the prepared meat? We know he did.
I want to bless my girls, and build them up, not to tear them down and discourage them with negative self-fulfilling prophecies. I want to give each of them a special vision for their future, of what they could be of what they could do and how God might use them for His kingdom.
This vision is the blessing.
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Marriage and Family
My actual marriage and family are keeping me busy, and so I have little time for blogging. The past couple of Mondays have been family day, or daddy/daughter Date Day and so I’ve not had time to spend writing philosophical expose’s on life.
I am reading “Sacred Parenting” by Gary Thomas. It’s about how parenting changes us and how parenting isn’t so much about raising a well-to-do, well-adjusted child as it is about glorifying God. The book has been a welcome paradigm shift for me.
Put it on your “must read” list.
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HALLOWEEN
My followers are asking me to write on this topic again. I’ve put it off because I really don’t like to dwell on the subject of Halloween. It’s uncomfortable. I don’t know why Halloween vexes me so, but it does. Perhaps, I am vexed because I know too much. Truly, oblivion is bliss. When you don’t know, you are still accountable, because “ignorance of the law is no excuse.” But when you don’t know, you don’t have the guilt or the struggle to do what is right. Halloween is dark. It’s a holiday that celebrates death. I’ve come face to face with someone truly oppressed by darkness, and it is an overwhelming experience that I don’t want to repeat or relive or pass on to my children.
So This Very Educated Mother Knows about Halloween. I know the history of the holiday. I know the darkness that surrounds it. I know there are people who innocently play with things that seem innocent only to get sucked into an oppression they cannot climb out of alone. I know there are real witches and followers of Wicca who do abominable things on this unholy day. For them, it’s not a game. It’s not pretend. It’s a real life demented sort of fun.
So how did I solve the problem of Halloween?
I’ll tell you what I did. I made a scarecrow with the family at the floral shop, and put him on the front porch (which scared the begeebers outta me every time I walked past it). I planned an outing to the pumpkin farm – which got rained out. I put out my fall leafy placemats and my plain pumpkin “treat dish.” I updated my floral displays around the house and trimmed my mum. I didn’t buy candy, nor did I stock up on evangelistic pamphlets. I had my kids close their eyes when we drove by some horrific neighborhood displays. I taught my girls the truth about Halloween and answered their Why’s as best I could. The town had advertised that Halloween activities were to take place between 3-8pm. I packed a picnic, took my kids, put them in the car at about 2:45 and exited my “festive” neighborhood. In the weeks before, I had wrestled and prayed about what to do and I remembered that Chicago-land has a wonderful Christian attraction: The Billy Graham Museum. I headed south to this haven. I tried to linger there as long as physically possible for a four-year-old. It was a wonderful experience.
When we walked in, we were greeted with an array of Christian art depicting various scenes from the life of Jesus. Then we went into the rotunda of witnesses. I couldn’t remember the stories of all the martyrs and the girls weren’t tuned into a history lesson anyway. But everything slowed down when we entered the room of the cross. Reading every verse on salvation and walking through a cross-shaped portal into a dark Tomb-like passage makes the entrance into the Heaven room spectacular. The “hallelujah” chorus played and the girls still talk about the Heaven room.
The next day, the girls wanted to watch the Easter Video, which incidentally also plays the “hallelujah” chorus at the resurrection scene.
So I didn’t defeat Halloween. I re-invented it. Our trip to the Billy Graham Museum glorified God and brought some of His Light into our life on the darkest holiday of the year. We celebrated eternal life on the holiday that celebrates death. Any why not? After all, Jesus came into the world to turn it upside down.
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World Education
Alexis wanted to learn about germs and heart attacks. After the twins absorbed Dr Fabian’s explanation of the technicalities of the human heart, the girls requested a video on germs. Since last week was spent watching white blood cells devour viruses and bacteria, I decided another youtube video on bacteria was missing the mark. I took it to the next level.
I went to worldvision.org and samaritanspurse.org to show the girls the people who suffer from germs. We watched video after video of AIDS victims, poverty victims, earthquake victims, and malnutrition victims.
Alexis wants to send all her money to Haiti. She wants to send toys to Africa. She want to send money to Russia. Rachel wants to send part of her money to Haiti. I have the feeling she wants to save the rest of her money for another need.
This afternoon Alexis decided she needed to learn all about “the gross stuff” (like human A&P) so that she could be a doctor in Africa. She decided she would go there when she was “older, like 10 years old. ” You should have heard the questions Rachel was asking her about learning the language. I joined in the objections, trying to determine how steadfast Alexis was in her ‘calling.’
This sensitivity to poverty is not new in Alexis. There seems to be a stirring in her soul for the poor of the world. It’s now time to start those missionary biographies and service projects for the poor.
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Marriage and Family Monday: Sheep
In college I decided I was going to collect something, and I decided to collect sheep. When I think about sheep, I conjure up this image of dozens of woolly animals headed in a single direction — toward pasture. However, from what I’ve heard and read, I know that sheep don’t naturally head through gates. They have to be trained and herded through the gate and they have to be trained in what to eat. They bond with their shepherd and if they somehow get separated from the shepherd then they are in deep trouble.
Isaiah 53: 6 “All we, like sheep, have gone astray; we have turned everyone to his own way.” Unless we listen to the Shepherd, we’re going to get into deep trouble.
I’m no farmer and no shepherd, but I do know that children are like lambs: easily led astray and wandering about looking for direction yet simultaneoulsy refusing any direction they might receive.
When you look at a child, or a set of children, and see that they are “so well behaved,” you have to know that the parents have been working their butts off from the beginning. Raising wonderful children isn’t like stirring up a bowl of Jello Instant Pudding. It takes way more than five minutes. I knew from the time the twins were born that I had given birth to a couple of potentially rotten kids — because I knew they were included in the “all” of Isaiah 53:6 and Romans 3:23. The twins are sinners. So I waited for that sin nature to manifest itself. Everything I did early on and everything I do today is training them — either toward rottenness or toward righteousness. I’ve tried to be merciful and gracious and yet not make excuses for their behavior. Mostly, I’ve tried to be consistent.
Having clear expectations and definitions promotes consistency. “Obedience is doing what you are told, when you are told.” If I say, “Set the table,” and the girls keep playing, then they are not obeying. They aren’t doing “what they were told when they were told.” It sounds so condescending to explain it so simply. Yet I find myself repeating, “Set the table.”
The other half of consistency is having consequences. Sit down with your spouse, come up with the family rules, and write them down with consequences. If you disobey, defy, or show disrespect, I will redirect you. I will discipline you. I will put your toy in time out. I will put you in time out. I will ask you to rephrase or do-over. I will bring you home. It helps both parent and child to know ahead of time what will happen when something goes wrong. When it’s written down, then the parents can refer to the list of rules/consequences and say, “Oh, Ok, I’m supposed to put you in time out for that, so off you go. I’ll set the timer.” It’s even more powerful when the spouse who is away at work all day can come home and reinforce the same rules without questioning the consequences. Having a united front is “oh-so-important.”
If you ignore the violation, you’re training that little lamb to ignore your voice and to listen to whatever voice s/he wants to follow. Start now to train your children to hear that One Voice you want them to follow.
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